I'm feeling much better now. Wee. Although my insomia have not recover but at least I am feeling much more relax already as I make my determination strong enough to resist my thoughts from running wild.

After the past few days of torturing myself and not letting me thinking that we are possible anymore. As even if the word Impossible says I M POSSIBLE. I doubt so.
wells, I got to move on. You found her, and even if you tells me that you don't like anyone nw and don't wish to get into any r/s. I will be pondering hard. Afterall, both me and you have changed. In terms of character wise, we both changed. We aint the past we. So even if I have any feelings for you, it is for the past you not for who you are now.
Hence, I decide to give up. I have changed too ever since i get into RP so nothing last long.
Our fairy tale have long come to an end since the day I decide to leave you, that's the fact I got to face. It is harsh but I have begin to accept it. yay. I WILL GET USED TO IT <3

Somehow during this period of my "Depression", you are the one that leaded me on.
Thanks for all that you have done. I don't know if I should tell you all these but it is the truth I wanted you to know though you can't see this.. I just hoped to voice it all out and let it go for good (:

Still rmb when I first meet you, it is at tpy swimming pool. and I was like telling lilin and huikee that is my primary school one. HAHA! a lil stupid. Then when we meet Tommy at enter mac it is like you are there? and the conflicts bet Tommy and my clinque. Gosh.
wells, then don't knw when we start to chat and not long later I told you I had a crush on you but we were happy as friends. Then, you got a gf not long ltr and still rmb that period of time you are complaining that things are impossible, hey you get with her can. Then, the feelings for you fades... It is when I knew that I will have to retain in secondary three again. You came online and encourages me that it is alright and say that we can even study tgt since you will be having ur N's and say we are able to take O's tgt. We even say that we wanna go to the same ploy if I can't make it to the JC. haha. all those memories that have been trigger in me lately.
still rmb you say you wanted SP and I said I wanted NP. haha !
wells, then you will so happy when you make it to 5N during the released of N's results though I say that the score was lousy but you agreed also.. so (:
I really thanks you man, During our O's. As i lost my geography book and have to trouble you in lending urs to revise. Thanks. though you forget that you got to pass me the book and you overslept! I was sorry to have spoil ur notebook but at least I re-writed everything for you. haha! I loves those moments. Though we aint tgt, you did alot for me. Being there and helping me out whenever I needed you. THANKS. Maybe because of that I falled back for you for the second time.. after O's we got tgt during ur birthday. I really melted by the you that time ((:
A memories I won't want it to fade, the memories I will keep in my heart for life.

I really don't understand this ON-OFF feelings I am having for you man.
I am like the one who break off with u, and I didnt want to tell you as I don't know how to tell you. Now I will want to tell you but I know you have changed for the better and you will be a good friend in future from what I see you as you are NOW (:

in the past, you're always holding things back and is like damn quiet. there's simply nothing much we can talks about. Worst thing is that I put so much hopes on our first date out and you spoil the whole thing. Not only that I feel weird that you have asked your couple friend along, you make me wait for you people and I don't like waiting for guy! omg. Next, you didn't seems to get it that I am pissed and you make my blood boils even more and chats with your friend things I know nuts about? what you expect me to do? I wanted to cry at that time man. That's also why I decide to sms one of my friend and whinns a little on the bus when you somehow ignored me and keep talking to your friend! This is not the worse part of all, it is the escalator part, i am not that slim as you portray me as. Do you know that I could only stand like 1/3 of it? Also the reason I stay a distance from you is because I am pissed and also I feel a lil werid as I have not been in any r/s ever since the sec2 incident of me and my ex. Hence, that is why when you asked for the reason. I don't know how to tell you that the reason is YOU. Also my some of my family members as in both my siblings and two of my cousin know I am with you, the problem is that they don't like you for some particular reasonsthey had. Everytime I am out with them, you will call and ask for a meet up I will like too.. but family is more impt to me and so not to hurt them I didnt go and meet you in the end. I'm kinda sorry but there is really nothing i can do about it.

After we broke up, I got a job as a salesgirl at a pushcart. Glad to get that job as it helped me not to think so much. All I have to do is to keep working and working. One mth after we broke up, when I was at my sister's birthday chalet. when I saw the cockroach I was like scared but it didn't really make me cry. It is because of all the feelings I have surpressed in me all along that trigger the tears.
That night, I remebered only me nicholas and wh is left alone in the living room while the rest are in the room having pillow fight? I don't know why but I starts to whinns to them and cried. Then wh left and say he go in the room to make sure my sister won't come out. As i don't want her to know since she is also part of the reason i break up with you.
I was like touch by what Nicholas said on that night when I cried. He dried my tears and told me that he is willingly to be the substitue of you and promise that he won't hurt me. I was so tired and at that point of time, I really hoped that there is someone for me.. So I agreed and soon later we got tgt. Just like every dream it has to end. He is a flirt and he wanted to two time on me, which I didnt allowed him to and that is how we end.

Also it is because of Gene. During that time, it is the most complex of my r/s life so far.
I didn't really expect Gene to fall for me, when we have been great budds all along.
wells, and nic keep thinking that there's something gg on bet us since we are so close. I admit that I did ever crush on him but I know who my bf are. Since Nic don't believe and decide to find other girl b4 dumping me I should make the first move as I dont want anymore hurts from guys.

After much thinking of all that have happened. I am the stupid fool since the start,
if I hold on to you and allow compromising maybe all these won't happen right?
Then, I won't need to go through all these that causes me to regrets and hoped it had not started. God already decide that I have to take these steps, so I will obey and grow up with this.
Now that it is the third time I fall back in love with you which I knew this feeling is stronger than it used to be and it is hard to get rid. But I have the determination and I must have that determination to allow myself to be free.

HuaLong say maybe I can give Des a chance now, nahs.
I won't.
Both are D, that is true.
D are Ds. But there is always different significances of each D's.
Therefore, Desmond can never replace Darryl (:

All I want now is to focus on my piano, studies and guitar.
Other than that, I've not tot of getting into any r/s.
I want to get you out of my life with my own strengths and not subsititues.
Hope you will get that girl you like, the girl on ur DP is pretty and smart.
and you really changed and is much out-going nw as compare to the past.
I believed that the communication problem we had in our r/s .
I believed that this will no longer be a problem for you in your next r/s, loves.

thanks also for helping me to get over you by putting that DP,
though i am sad about it but at least I learnt the word IMPOSSIBLE from it!
Like this, it will do me good in the long-run. THANKS!
Alots of thanks for all you have done all these while, from the start of our story till the end of it.
LOVES <3

my dirty lil secrets___
7/19/2006 12:19:00 PM